Assertiveness

At different stages in life we all have been non-assertive. Assertiveness is a skill that can be learnt.

It means being able to stand up for your own or other people’s rights in a calm and positive manner. It means not being aggressive or passively accepting what is not right. It is the quality of being confident and not afraid to say what you believe.

Assertive individuals are able to get their point across without upsetting others or becoming upset themselves. We always need to respect the thoughts, feelings and beliefs of others.

Assertiveness facilitates individuals to act in their own best interests and to stand up for themselves without unnecessary anxiety. Assertive people,

·       tend to project confidence

·       maintain eye contact

·       have good posture

·       use body language effectively

·     are able to express their thoughts and beliefs honestly and reasonably and encourage other people to do the same.

Assertiveness involves managing stress, solving problems, and staying calm no matter how the other person reacts. We need to be aware of triggers and be able to deal with them. It is often seen as a balance between being passive and aggressive.
Some people may struggle to behave assertively for a number of reasons, and find that they behave either aggressively or passively instead. Responding in a passive or non-assertive way tends to mean compliance with the wishes of others. This can undermine the rights of the individual and their self-confidence. Many people adopt a passive response because they have a strong need to be liked by others.  Such people do not regard themselves as equals because they place greater weight on the rights, wishes and feelings of others.  Being passive results in failure to communicate thoughts or feelings and results in people doing things they really do not want to do in the hope that they might please others. This also means that they allow others to take responsibility, to lead and make decisions for them. In other words, someone else is running their life. All of us need to create our own reality.

When you respond passively, you present yourself in a less positive light or put yourself down in some way. If you constantly belittle yourself in this way, you will come to feel inferior to others.  While the underlying causes of passive behaviour are often poor self-confidence and self-esteem, in itself it can further reduce feelings of self-worth, creating a vicious circle.

On the other hand being aggressive towards someone else may result in their rights and self-esteem being undermined. Aggressive behaviour fails to consider the views or feelings of other individuals. Those behaving aggressively will rarely show praise or appreciation of others and an aggressive response tends to put others down. Aggressive responses encourage the other person to respond in a non-assertive way, either aggressively or passively.

Good interpersonal skills mean you need to be aware of the different ways of communicating and the different response each approach might provoke.  The use of either passive or aggressive behaviour in interpersonal relationships can have undesirable consequences for those you are communicating with and it may well hinder positive moves forward.

It can be a frightening or distressing experience to be spoken to aggressively and the receiver can be left wondering what instigated such behaviour or what he or she has done to deserve the aggression.

If thoughts and feelings are not stated clearly, this can lead to individuals manipulating others into meeting their wishes and desires. Manipulation can be seen as a covert form of aggression whilst humour can also be used aggressively.

It is important to remember that any interaction is always a two-way process and therefore your reactions may differ, depending upon your relationship with the other person in the communication.

You may for example find it easier to be assertive to your partner than to your boss at work or vice versa. However, whether it is easy or not, an assertive response is always going to be better for you and for your relationship with the other person.

If you would like to improve upon your assertiveness please do not hesitate to contact us at www.holisticcounsellingireland.com.