building self-confidence

Self-confidence simply put is belief in one’s own abilities. The importance of beliefs cannot be overstated. Beliefs impact on our thought processes, which in turn impact either positively or negatively on our physical body. Too much negative thinking may result in psychosomatic illnesses.

Your values become your beliefs

Your beliefs become your thoughts

Your thoughts become your words

Your words become your actions

Your actions become your habits

Your habits become your destiny

 Confidence is partly as a result of how we have been brought up and what we have learnt. Conditioning has a big bearing on whether or not we feel confident. But also we have an innate ability to develop our own confidence.

Confidence is a positive state of mind and a belief that you can meet the challenges ahead. It’s a feeling of being in control.

“Believe you can and you’re half way there.” Theodore Roosevelt.

Confidence is to believe in oneself and one’s abilities. It results from the comparison you make between your goal and your ability. You will have self-confidence if you believe you can achieve your goal. If you have little confidence in your own abilities, you are likely to experience high levels of anxiety. Of course, the obvious solution to this problem is to practise harder whatever it is you are trying to achieve. This reminds me of the great golfer Sam Snead when advising players who admitted to being afraid of certain shots: “If you’re scared of your 7-iron, go and practice it!”.
When you have self-confidence you will tend to persevere even when things are not going to plan. One needs to show enthusiasm, be positive in their approach and take their share of the responsibility in success and failure.

Fortunately, there are many ways you can increase your self-confidence. The following are just some of them and hopefully some of these will resonate with you.

 Self-talk:  

Negative internal messages and thoughts are among the biggest contributors to anxiety. The goal is to replace the negative self-talk with more positive messages. There is a saying that goes “If you talked to your friends the way you talk to yourself you’d have no friends left”.         

For example, if you or your children or friends are interested in basketball, a player shooting free-throws who tells himself, “I’m not going to make this basket”, will need to practise replacing that negative statement with a positive “I’m going to make this shot”. While this may not seem like it can work, over time and with repetition an athlete can develop a new habit of thinking positive statements and thoughts and expect a more positive outcome. It’s this connection between the words and the belief that is the ultimate goal of this technique.

It is very important for all of us to learn to re-structure our thoughts whenever a negative one creeps into our mind. A good tool to remember is TEA time:

THOUGHTS

EMOTIONS

ACTIONS.

Your thoughts affect your emotions which affect your actions. So, if you have negative thoughts, you will feel negatively emotionally and consequently your actions (behaviour and performance) will suffer. If you can replace the negative with positives the opposite will be true, leading to good actions. When you experience a negative or unwanted thought such as “I just don’t want to be here today”, or whatever the situation is, picture a large red stop sign in your mind’s eye.  Hold this image for a few seconds. Then allow it to fade away along with the thought. If you wish, you can follow this with a positive self-statement. Thought-stopping can be used to block an unwanted thought before it escalates. This technique can help to create a sharp refocus of attention keeping you engrossed in the task at hand.

According to Scott Goldman, a Clinical Psychologist, “Another way to derail your unproductive thoughts is to think of your mind as a computer and delete the ‘unproductive thought’ files. Visualize yourself pressing the delete button and watching the file move to your trash.” This will help to clear your mind and allow you to focus on positive thoughts.

Each individual will then need to fill their mind with positive thoughts; choose words that inspire you, motivate you, make you laugh or boost your mood.

 We talk to ourselves every day. Self-talk makes use of our powerful inner voice to reinforce self-esteem. With appropriate repetition, self-talk for example can positively alter our belief system. Using this technique can lead to a high level of self- confidence and feeling really good about oneself.
                                                   
Mental imagery:

"Your nervous system cannot tell the difference between an imagined experience and a ‘real’ experience." Maxwell Maltz , author of Psycho-Cybernetics.

Imagery is the process of simulating sensory experiences in the mind in the absence of external stimuli. There is no more powerful mental tool than mental imagery. Mental imagery is simply seeing yourself perform as you desire. It involves using all of the senses to create a very real experience of having the desired outcome. Imagery may involve the simulation of many factors such as sound, touch, body awareness, psychological states such as confidence, and numerous other mental and physical experiences. It is different from visualization which typically describes simulation of visual stimuli.

When you imagine yourself doing whatever it is you desire it activates the brain maps responsible for producing these movements. For example, researches have demonstrated some amazing findings when comparing groups of people who spend the same amount of time imagining movements to others who physically carry out these movements. Both groups showed increased size and development of the brain maps responsible for the movement tasks studied, to an extent where both the brain map and skill levels of the group who imagined the movements was only marginally less than the group who actually performed the movements. So “thinking can almost be as good as doing”.

Dr. Jim Taylor (Psychology Today, 2012) explained his use of imagery in his own competitive racing. “The results were nothing less than spectacular. From doubt came confidence. From distraction came focus. From anxiety came intensity. From timidness came aggression. From inconsistency came consistency. And, most importantly, from decent results came outstanding results”. According to Dr. Taylor, imagery is used by virtually all great athletes and research has shown that, when combined with actual practice, it improves performance more than practice alone.

Planning and Preparation

People sometimes feel less confident when thinking about a new or potentially difficult situation. One of the most important factors in developing confidence is good planning and preparing for the unknown.

If, for example, you are applying for a new job, it would be a good idea to prepare for the interview. Plan what you would want to say and think about some of the questions that you may be asked.  Practise your answers with friends or colleagues and gain their feedback.

There are many other examples of planning for an interview. Perhaps you should visit the hairdresser before you go. How are you going to travel to the interview and how long will the journey take? What should you wear? Take control of unknown situations the best you can, break down tasks into smaller sub-tasks and plan as many as you can.

In some situations it may be necessary to also have contingency plans; backup plans if your main plan fails. If you had planned to travel to your interview by car but on the morning the car wouldn't start how would you get there? Being able to react calmly to the unexpected is a sign of confidence. Use self-talk and imagery.

Knowledge

Having the right knowledge can help us feel more confident about our ability to handle different situations. This is where education and training is a must. It doesn’t have to cost a fortune as there is so much information available now on the internet and making use of artificial intelligence. The only thing that is required is time and focused attention.

Knowing what to expect and how and why things are done will add to your awareness and usually make you feel more prepared and ultimately more confident.

By doing something we have learned a lot about we put theory to practice which develops confidence and adds to the learning and comprehension.

Experience

Doing something for the first time can be very challenging but if we are to grow as a person we have to move out of our comfort zone. We need to face our fears. Then gradually as we start to repeat the same task we gain confidence. It’s all about practice, practice, practice until eventually we can practically do it in our sleep. We become unconsciously competent.

For those of us that drive a car, I’m sure we can remember all of the things that we needed to be aware of at the beginning. And we were full of nerves and not very confident. However, as we continued to practice and drive more and more we gradually became much more comfortable. If we have been driving for some time we now don’t really have to think too much about it. We are on “automatic”. It is pretty much the same with many tasks in life.

Surround Yourself With Positive People

We can all sense positive and negative vibs. If there is too much negative energy around it has a tendency to drag us down to that level. Avoid negative people and those that are always complaining. Perhaps we are the one that is negative. If that is the case look at the things that we are grateful for and focus on those rather than the negative, it will show in our facial expressions. Take a moment and think about how your friends make you feel. Do they lift you up, or bring you down?

The people you spend time with can influence your thoughts and attitudes about yourself. Pay attention to how others make you feel. If you feel bad about yourself after meeting with someone be prepared to say goodby for good.

Surround yourself with people who love you for what you are, who unconditionally accept you for who you are and want the best for you. Seek out those who are positive and can help build your confidence.

Take Care of Yourself

Nutrition: Eat a well-balanced diet and stay away as much as possible from processed foods. This will make you much more energised and good about yourself.

Exercise: If you’re doing none at present start with a 5-miute walk and gradually build it up. About 2 hours exercise every week is a great investment in your preventive health and will save you money in the medium to long-term. There is also the feel-good factor through an increased production of endorphins.

Sleep: Exercise and sleep are related and generally you will get better sleep if exercising regularly. A good day’s routine will also help. If things are bothering you, put aside specific times to deal with them and then practice putting them aside perhaps with the help of some meditation.

Be Honest with Yourself in what you are trying to Achieve

Setting unrealistic goals is not good for self-confidence. Neither is perfection. Try to do as good a job as possible within the timeframe that you have. The more you achieve attainable goals the more confident you will feel about yourself. Setting goals takes judgement and is a bit of trial and error. You need to “push” yourself but not too much as it will result in stress which is not good for health. Too little and we are not living life to the full. So we have to be honest with ourselves.

All of these techniques and practices are good for mental health. If you would like to explore them further please do not hesitate to contact us at www.holisticcounsellingireland.com. We would be delighted to work with you.